opps…i’m late

This was for yesterday…Wordless Wednesday:

unpolar

Not manic, not depressed…just kind of blahhh.  That has been my internal situation for a while.  A strange thing is happening…I am getting excited about something.  Other than my Bunny, I have been excited by anything in a long time.  Things are starting to happen, starting to take shape.  I’ve been working on my personal inventory– yeah, I know I sound like a 12-step program.  Whatevs.  Shit is starting to look up.

Yay.

I am a copycat…Wordless Wednesday

thanks, L

A friend on my babyboard said something today that has really resonated with me. She has been such an inspiration to us all by losing over 30 lbs since having her July baby. Today she said that her outside finally matches the inside. I have to agree with her because I think she is a beautiful woman both inside and out.

I think it’s time for me to take a personal inventory. I have so many things I want to accomplish, but do I actually believe they are possible? If I don’t believe in myself, then how am I supposed to reach my goals? I need to see myself as the person that I want to be…the person I know I can become. What was it Ghandi said? Be the change you wish to see in the world. I need to apply that to my life and my dreams.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I have to believe she is worth the effort. How do I feel on the inside? I have to make the positive changes necessary to move forward

i’m hopeful

I returned to the scene of the crime today. DH and I went back to the gym this afternoon and I took Bunny to the daycare room. When I dropped her off, there were no other babies there so I was able to talk tp the daycare worker. She remembered us from the other night and we talked a little about Bunny’s lack of experience with other kids. She assured me she’d look out for my girl…I felt better.

I only came by to check on her once and she was doing just fine. After a quickie 30 minute workout, we went to sign her out and the coolest thing happened—when we walked in she was sitting with the daycare worker and a little baby boy. They were sitting face to face, talking baby talk and patting each other on the head and face.  I realized at that moment that it was the first time she’d met another baby her own age.  She was smiling and happy—so of course I cried because I am a freakshow.

The point of my rambling is that in my head this was how I envisioned it.  I’d be getting some me-time, she’d be meeting new baby-friends and we’d all be happy. Today made me hopeful that it might all work out.

teardrops at the ymca

It sounds like a bad disco tune. Unfortunately, it was the case for me tonight as I left my Bunny with strangers for the first time in her seven months of life. It’s hard enough when I have to leave her with her daddy, but tonight was actually painful.

Ok, I started at the middle of the story—I do that too much. Here is the way things went: I asked for one thing for Valentine’s Day—a family membership to the YMCA. I have never seen such a nice Y! They have everything I need to take Operation Monster-Can to the next level. I didn’t even have to sell DH on it—he was all for it. We decided to go this afternoon. Everything was fine…we took the tour and I was stoked about getting started. The girl took us to the ChildWatch center and it was great, big kids separated from little kids and lots of staff who all seemed very nice.

(Enter anxiety here.)

We head out front to handle paperwork which takes all of five minutes—then, we take her to the daycare. As I am walking down the hall, I feel my heart pounding and my palms begin to sweat. I must have been squeezing Bunny because she let out a little grunt and gave me a look like, “Take it easy on the goods, Momma!” We walk in and you have to sign them in and there are stickers involved for security—not sure that is foolproof, but I am trying manage my trepidation.

I hand her over to the young girl (very young—is she CPR certified? What are her references?) and I take a step back. This is a first for us. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears and my face felt like I was in a tanning bed set on scorch. Bunny seems unfazed by the whole thing, sucking on her binky a la Maggie Simpson. I stay for a minute to see how she’ll respond to the other kids. They take her over to this little circle of kids and toys.

What is the first thing that happens? This turd of a little boy hits her in the head with a toy. There is a long pause…then, “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” She cries. I cry. She quickly shakes it off—more quickly than me. My internal dialogue is so loud I swear everyone can hear it…**YELLING VOICE** WTF!? Why do they have the walkers in with the little babies? **calm voice* *I know she’ll be okay. I know it’s good for her to be around other kids since we stay home all day, every day. Remember to breathe, Melissa.

I had to keep checking on her. I am sure that the girls that work there think I am a complete spaz, but whatever. Millions of years of evolution can’t be undone because of what some high school girl might think of me. When I came by the first time—Bunny was by herself away from everyone playing with a toy and watching the other kids. It made me so sad to see her all alone there. I hope in her little baby brain she wasn’t feeling abandoned.  When I came back again, she was just starting to cry…workout over. That was fine with me. I wanted to snatch her up and run out of the place— I was feeling very Mama Bear.

She stayed with strangers for a total of 38 minutes. I check on her a total of three times. I think we did pretty well, all things considered.

say it with me now– productive

Oh my. I have been a busy bee the past couple of days.  Housework, Avon shit– you name it, it’s getting done. We’ve had a bit of a warm spell here and I think it has helped me to shake off my winter funk.  My bunny has been with me the whole way– she’s my business partner.  She’s the brains of the operation.

“I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the brawn. Let’s make lots of money.”  Yeah, that’s right.  I just got all Pet Shop Boys on your ass.  Believe that.

So, here I sit with my reward: a tall glass of sangria.  Let me tell you, it’s going down like buttah.  I have no complaints today.  It’s a good day.